Yeah, yeah, this is entirely too much TMI and no one really needs to know all this. But in all honesty, my husband said it would make a good story to blog about and so here we are.
Today I went to the ladydoc. For long complicated reasons, I’m going to a new clinic and it’s been “awhile” since I got one of these routine well woman exams and figured it was about time. I show up on time for the appointment and check in, and I notice that the sticker on my chart says that my physician is male. Yep. Oh jeez, when I made the freaking appointment I forgot to mention that I’m wholly uncomfortable with the idea of a male doctor down there. I gulped and asked the receptionist if there was any chance I could switch to a female doctor, and she said “not if you want to be seen today.” At this point I had already dragged myself down there and resigned myself to the already-uncomfortable nature of having a cold metal THING inside me, so I figured why the hell not.
I get into the room and the nurse takes my blood pressure and temperature and all that good stuff, and mentions that she’s “so happy I came in, because the doctor hasn’t had any patients.” I was thinking that maybe it was a slow day so I was like “oh, I bet most women want to see a female doctor.” She replied “yep, so he’s kind of been just sitting around waiting today.” Hmm.
He comes in and introduces himself and shakes my hand and he is freezing. Like, wow. But even more importantly, it’s pretty clear that he’s younger than me and he’s also seriously conventionally attractive. Ugh. I was hoping for some decrepit old man who has seen thousands of vaginas. (As a side note, why is WordPress underlining vaginas as if it’s misspelled? What the fuck is the plural of vagina?!) He sits down and starts to ask me all the routine new patient questions, such as do I smoke, do I wear my seatbelt, do I feel safe at home, and do I have any sexual dysfunctions. You know, the usual stuff. He’s nervous and awkward and I’m nervous and awkward, so this is just a great overall combination that’s really just making my day.
We somehow get talking about where I live and he mentions that he just discovered that area a few days ago. You see, he’s new to San Diego in general and he’s only been here a week. I ask him where he came from, and he says he’s spent the last 8 years in North Carolina, but he was from Connecticut before that. Oh fuck. Two and two are connected and I realize this guy is a brand new doctor who has only been out of residency/school for a week and I’m probably one of his first real patients in his entire life. All of a sudden I feel this tremendous responsibility to be a good experience for him and make sure I don’t emotionally scar him with my own insecurities so it actually makes me relax. After all, between the two of us — I’m the pro here.
I do the whole undressy thing and get under the sheet and he comes back in with his attending physician, a woman who talks fast and loud and definitely commands the room. And then the procedure begins. He starts by putting his cold ass hands on me again and puts the speculum in, meanwhile the attending doc is walking him through the process: “make sure you push from a downward angle, it hurts the woman less. can you see the whole cervix? put your elbow down, it’s going to make it too awkward to see.” He has to try several times to see what he’s trying to see, and at one point the attending pushes him out of the way and gets down there to make sure it’s in the right place. Turns out he pushed it way further in than it needed to be pushed and it’s painful, but I’m just staring up at the poster on the ceiling of a waterfall and trying to imagine I’m in *that* magical place instead of this dreary awkward clinic room.
After the swab action takes place, she talks him through trying to do the two-finger palpation where he makes sure my ovaries and uterus are all there or something. He finishes and she asked him if everything felt right. He replies, “well, I couldn’t find the ovaries.” She sighs and I can basically hear her damning the med school this noob attended, and asks me if she can try. I told her that of course she can, because my ovaries are kind of important and I’d like for someone to find them. Girl uses some serious force here, but thankfully everything is fine. While she’s prodding my uterus she looks up at me and says “Games, huh? My two 8-year old boys are obsessed with Minecraft. Do you work at Mojang?” and I’m like totally uncomfortable talking about video game development during a pelvic exam but I answer her because I can’t exactly be rude in this scenario. My reproductive system is literally in this woman’s hands.
So I’m all done and the awkdoc is like “um, okay, I guess you can get dressed and just come outside. There’s some wipes over there for you if you need them.” He leaves and get up and walk over to the wipes and grab one before happening to notice a warning on the container – DO NOT USE ON HUMAN SKIN. What the fuck? This guy wants me to scald my ladybits with some devil poison? I read the container and it’s the antiseptic wipes used to clean the surfaces and materials in between patients. That shit would probably have caused something horrible to happen (or at least it would burn like hell) and I am just like “get me the hell out of here.” I put on my clothes in record time and I leave and didn’t even wait until the nurse came back in to dismiss me. At this point, test is done, life is good, I’m getting the eff out of this place and if I return — I’m requesting a doctor who knows what they’re doing. Actually, in the 3 years that it takes me to return — maybe he’ll be a pro by then. *shrug*---------------
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