Why is it that the things you most need to talk about are the things you’re supposed to keep inside? I’ve been skirting around the idea of talking about certain trials and efforts here on this blog, but since my readership is so low – what’s the point? Or maybe, since my readership is so low, it’s okay to talk about it since no one reads it anyway?
Here’s the deal – we’re trying to get pregnant. Due to some things, it’s a medical procedure — not the sexy late night dance most people are familiar with. This whole process started at the end of August with a consultation, then had to skip a month because of a live culture vaccination, then have done two separate ‘attempts’ which have failed. I want to talk about this stuff, because it’s an emotional process that writing about seems to help with. I don’t want use to use stupid terms like ‘journey’ or ‘ride’ or whatnot, but that’s pretty much what it is.
This is already emotional. I’ve wanted to grow a family for 10 years now, and my husband and I have been talking about it for years. We kept waiting for the ‘right time’ and thankfully we have the luxury of being able to plan all this down to the very day of conception. There was such an enormous high of saying “okay, we’re ready to do this” to then having three months of bad news one after another. Each time I go in, my hopes are high, things look great on paper, everything is perfect. Then I remind myself it’s only a 30% chance even if everything was done by the book. I feel bad complaining because some people struggle with infertility for years, but I guess I always assumed that when I was ready it would just happen. Three months isn’t very long if you’re trying ‘au natural’ but when you have to do it this way – it’s an eternity.
To make matters worse, the fertility meds that I’m on make me a bundle of emotions. I’m on a high dose of progesterone which is essentially shooting emotions directly into me. They make every little thing feel like a monstrosity. I have injectable medicines controlling my entire cycle from start to finish. I’m on all sorts of vitamins and such, including fish oil which makes me a bad vegan but hopefully a good future mommy. And I’m not allowed to take any medicines for this cold because I *could* still be pregnant (even though at this point, I’m 99% sure I’m not)
And, this whole thing is time consuming. I have to go in for many appointments, ultrasounds, blood tests, scans. I try to schedule all of them for early morning, but it’s hard to get there with traffic and be home in time to start work on time. It’s taxing.
Finally, it’s outrageously expensive. None of this is covered by health insurance, so we’re paying 100% out of pocket. I’m a contractor with no sick days and no maternity leave, so in a time where I should be able to save money for a future unpaid leave, I’m spending it all on conceiving. Over $2,000 per attempt, with an average of 3-4 attempts for success. I was hoping for a Christmas miracle so I didn’t have to think about paying for this again this month, but alas, no dice.
Anyway, there’s a lot of conversation after people get pregnant but not a whole lot about the troubles leading up to the before. There’s a whole bunch of things I’m thinking that make me feel like a horrible person, fighting jealousy and feeling like life is unfair. I am struggling to be positive and imagine seeing two lines on the home pregnancy test, but since I’ve never seen it in my life – it’s hard to imagine it could ever happen to me. There’s a dreaded two week wait after the procedure, which is the time before I can take a pregnancy test and see if things worked. It’s seriously the absolute worst. I belong to a couple wonderful Facebook groups filled with women going through the same thing as me, and it’s the most supportive and helpful resource ever. Sure, I can talk to hubby about it, but these women are feeling the exact same feelings as me. It’s wonderful to talk to other people about it. Every single day, I count. 8 days post ovulation, 9dpo, 10dpo, 11dpo, waiting until I can test. Every time I keep saying I’m not going to test, I’m going to wait until my 16 day blood test, because testing at home won’t change the outcome. But then every cramp, every twinge, every pain, every wave of nausea, make me think that I’m pregnant and I should just test at home so that I can get excited about it and share the good news with my husband.
I’m in a waiting game. I’ve already started making baby lists on Pinterest and various wishlist sites, but I feel so silly about it. It’s like I’m waiting for that positive test so I can yell ‘yippie!’ and feel validated for all the thoughts and effort I’ve put into my future.
Oops, I just talked about it. Good god, what a relief.---------------
If you're enjoying my blog, would you consider following me on Bloglovin?