I thought that as soon as I announced my pregnancy to the world, that blog topics would come pouring into my brain and overflow onto this blog. I thought maybe it would make up for months of good intentions and a lack of follow-through, but here we are. I’m still just as sporadic as I ever was.
It’s not because I’m busy doing all sorts of things I can’t wait to tell you about. I can’t blame it on ‘real life’ taking its toll, at least not directly. I’ve actually been struggling with a couple of things and have been fighting against my internal monologue that tells me to ‘stay quiet’ and just ‘appreciate’ being pregnant. That’s not honest, though, and that’s never the space I’ve wanted to cultivate. It’s pretty important that I be truthful and sincere and humble and share my life here in the most uncloaked way possible. So let’s get to it.
On Feeling Miserable Every Day
I should have probably known that I’d have bad morning sickness since the very first week I found out I was pregnant (4 weeks). I knew because of the intense pressure/burning in my uterus. Most people said there was no way I’d have symptoms that early, but I call shenanigans on that bullshit. Us ladies are pretty in-tune with what happens in our netherbits, and this was a sensation I had never felt before. Weeks 5-6 were pretty good – pressure but no real nausea. Week 7 started the intense queasiness. I dealt with it for a couple of weeks before not being able to take anymore, after which I begged doctor for some Zofran. I took two pills – it did jack shit except clog my digestive system up so bad. (Note: if you have never had impacted stool before, consider yourself the luckiest fucking person on the planet). I vowed I would not take Zofran again and read up on Diclegis, or, “the morning sickness pill”.
This stuff was a lifesaver at first. Two pills at night before bed made me sleepy as hell all day long, but no longer nauseous. Hallelujah! But now the last week, the nausea is back as if I’m not taking Diclegis at all. I don’t know if I’m getting used to the medication or if my morning sickness has just gotten worse, but goddamn this is miserable.
To anticipate the comments – yes, I’ve tried ginger tea, ginger candies, raw ginger, mint candies, Preggie-Pops, mint tea, chamomile tea, drinking water, eating every hour, not eating anything acidic, Tums, Prevacid, Zantac, sleeping, everything. Nothing helps. I can’t focus on work, I can’t focus on anything at all except this rumbling sensation in my stomach. My husband made me dinner last night and I was repulsed by it. Smells are making me not want anything to do with food, even when my stomach is empty and needs to be filled. I sleep with my bed reclined in an upward position (thanks, Sleep Number!) and have a pregnancy full-body pillow supporting me.
Everyone says that the nausea should end by the time my first trimester is over, except the people who say it doesn’t and that morning sickness lasted their entire pregnancy. Seriously, just kill me now if that ends up happening for me. This is making it very hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy and think happy things about the future. I’m a couple weeks from the second trimester, and if it isn’t the promised land everyone keeps saying…ugh. I’m hoping for this “you will glow and be so happy and radiant” bullshit that everyone keeps telling me.
On Body Image Issues
There’s no denying I have issues being self-conscious about my weight and the way I look. I lost 45 pounds a couple of years ago and I’ve been busting my ass to keep it off, and now this baby comes along and the whole thing is down the drain. I always thought I’d be one of those fit and healthy moms who works out incessantly during pregnancy and looks ‘skinny all over except my giant gut’ but nope. Thanks to my issue #1 (extreme nausea) I’ve made it to my fitness boot camp like four times in the past two months and I’m bloating up all over the place. I have to eat practically constantly to make my stomach feel ‘okay’, and let me tell ya, it’s not carrots & celery that help the sickness. It’s carby, bready, starchy madness that bloats me up and has caused me to be up 18 pounds from my lowest weight. Great.
I know I shouldn’t give a shit – my husband says this is my time to just be happy and enjoy having an excuse to get heavy. But my pants don’t fit, nothing is comfortable, I see my face getting fatter and my arms losing their muscle and I would be totally freaking lying if I sat here and said I was okay with it. I’m unhappy because I haven’t been exercising and I’m paranoid that I look fat and not pregnant.
So yeah, that’s where I’m at. I’m trying to avoid the scale, get adjusted to this new experience without being too hard on myself. But then I read things about how I should ONLY be gaining 30 pounds total throughout pregnancy, and at my monthly OB appointments they’re checking my weight to make sure I’m not out of control. But I *feel* out of control. I feel like I’m watching all my hard work go down the tubes, and I know everything will be harder to ‘bounce back’ after pregnancy. I’m waiting for this magic switch to click over and make me finally just be okay with gaining weight and going back to my ‘fat pants’ and wearing maternity stretchy jeans and leggings. Can that happen soon, please?---------------
If you're enjoying my blog, would you consider following me on Bloglovin?