I’m a glutton for punishment, you guys. I know comments are bad, and I wade into them anyway. I let my clean laundry stack up every time, even though I always say I’m going to fold it as soon as it’s dry. I leave my destructive dog out of her crate sometimes ‘just to see what happens’ when I run to Starbucks and come home to ripped up video game cases. And my latest addiction? Joining a number of Facebook groups for mommys-to-be. It’s just a whole new world of crazy out there, and I enjoy sitting back and reading it.
Here’s some of the more, um, interesting things I’ve read:
“My wedding ring doesn’t fit anymore because I’m 7 months pregnant and my fingers are swollen. I’m buying a cubic zirconia faux wedding ring on Amazon because my husband says he doesn’t feel comfortable without me wearing a ring.”
What in the hell? Newsflash: you are pregnant with his child (presumptuously). He is worried about being uncomfortable while you have something with LIMBS poking and prodding inside of you? You probably haven’t shit in days and there’s a good chance you have hemorrhoids and in a couple of months you are going to be pushing a watermelon out….and he’s worried about being uncomfortable that you’re not wearing an obvious sign of marriage? That’s all I can say about that.
“I’m 2 days pregnant and I’m so crabby that I’m yelling at my significant other and other children nonstop and just want to be left alone! Is this is a pregnancy symptom?”
Probably not. You’re literally two days pregnant. Your HCG numbers are so low that it’s not even registering on a First Response home pregnancy test. You’re just being rude to your family, who are probably just as excited as you are about the incoming family member.
“I’m 36 weeks along and I’m super paranoid about the fact that I can’t bend over to shave my pubic area before the childbirth. I don’t want the doctor to see a forest down there!”
Whoa now. Your labor and delivery doctor has seen thousands of vaginas in arguably their ugliest state. Do you think he’s going to be worrying about HAIR down there when your vagina is gaping wide enough to tear from urethra to anus? I understand bodily cleanliness, but I really think your priorities might need some adjustment in these final moments.
“I’m X weeks along and I’m bleeding/cramping/discolored/feeling my baby falling out/insert-symptom here. What should I do?”
The answer is “get the heck off Facebook groups with strangers and call your doctor”.
This has gotta be a series. I’ve lost track of all the other ridiculousness so I’m going to start paying attention and noting them for future posts! Comedy gold.---------------
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